Finding a Good Man

To all the women who say there are no good men left in the world..

By Lisa Daubeny De Moleyns

There are many men I know, who are great men who add a huge amount of value, who are funny, kind, thoughtful and bright but who are by no means perfect.

Which brings me to my point, sometimes we get so caught up in the idea of perfection that we miss those that are standing right in front of us. People who come across as perfect are normally putting on a front to cover other issues, so look for the people that are true and real and this means breaking down the barriers of the idea of perfection. 

“Sometimes we get so caught up in the idea of perfection that we miss those that are standing right in front of us.”

When we realise that there is no such thing as perfection, and we acknowledge that even our own imperfections may not be obvious to us, we can then start focusing on 'values adds' and not the perfect picture. 

We all face the same dilemma. At the beginning of a relationship we are given a glimpse of what a perfect relationship should be, passionate, caring, a relationship that makes time for each other, where both parties put energy into making good impressions.

However, in reality, nothing is that clear cut, as most people come with baggage, stresses, and complications in life. We are human after all.

I think the key to any good relationship is not to judge your partner for not being perfect —because, let’s face it, you probably aren't either.

I’d also urge you to pay attention to who you’re attracting. We know as women we tend to go for men who have a bad boy persona. We deem them as more 'alpha' and a challenge worth fighting for, but remember the comment that “there are no good men in the world” and perhaps we are all looking for the wrong thing, which makes it very hard to find. “If you’re looking for your phone you may never find your wallet." (That s not to say that all men are wallets!)

Don’t wait for your ideal man to be the cliched masculine or 'real' man. What does that even mean? 'Real' men don’t get in fights as in reality it takes the bigger man to walk away. Real men won’t drown you in charm and flatter you senseless as they want to get to know you and manage expectations and really 'real' men are all boys at heart and will get intimidated by women. They are not predators and instead are waiting to get recognised, so when your date is not all over you maybe you're in fact, faced with a 'real' man after all. 

So stop being intrigued by the bad boys, and instead choose men on more important criteria - for what they are really like inside and how you can get to know them better.

It’s not that there’s a lack of good men in the world; what we are looking for and what we think we want are two very different things.

So herein lies the problem.

Many people have made bad mistakes in the past and have been mistreated and hurt as a result, and inevitably they bring certain fear forward into their new relationships.  A lot of us can see the mistake before it happens, we just end up getting caught up in the idealisation of that individual. We paint our own picture but we soon realise we are pretty bad artists and the picture looks nothing like the still life. 

But when we change our way of thinking and take notice of those good men. We will find ourselves in a very different relationship; one that’s a slow burner, and we find ourselves falling hard and deep, but for all the right reasons, which is meeting your match and not a fantasy you have drawn up in your mind. 

This is why we perceive there to be difficulty in finding a “good man”: because the men we believed to be good were never that, we just hoped for them to be something they weren’t.  It’s not that there’s a lack of good men in the world for the taking; it’s that we need to stop trying to create perfection that does not exist and start, being real and you will find you will attract real people.  Maybe the problem lies with the fact we think there are no good men but instead, we are warping our ideas of people and trying to create something that is not there. 

At the end of the day, the dream is better than the reality but only in the short term, start looking long term and look for the reality of someone instead of the dream. From doing this you will probably end up with what you were after, the dream in the end, baggage and all